diary 1: about him making it painful

Autor: Daniela Bieliková | 7.4.2012 o 0:47 | (upravené 21.4.2012 o 15:41) Karma článku: 0,00 | Prečítané:  112x

For all those people who are going to read this because of the title, this article IS NOT about having sex with a virgin. So if you dont have any other motivation to read it, then please, just dont. Thanks.

I tried to burn myself. Literally.

Because we live in the 21st century, its practically impossible for me to be burnt on the border as a witch. In medieval times I would be the victim-witch number one for sure. If because of nothin else, then at least coz of the orange hair and that I am talking to cats.

So I tried to find another way. Sun, of course. In such a beautiful and sunny place as Sardegna definately is (its been raining like hell since the beginnin of april) to BURN yourself in sun is a really stylish way how to try to forget the PAIN.

You know that feeling for sure. You do something bad to yourself (in a physical way) and while youre experiencing the pain that your body provides, you are forgetting effectively the PAIN of your soul.

Almost everybody is familiar with gettin drunk. Next day, when youre thinking only about the shortest way how to die, between the moments when youre throwing up and the moments remembering the disgusting taste of alcohol that makes you sick again, you have really NO space to think about HIM and the PAIN that these kinda thoughts cause to you.

So I tried to burn myself today. With my pale skin it might not be a big problem, specially when I just did not use the cream. It lies here beside me. The factor 50+ for the skin with sun allergies. Hell yeah, I did not use the cream and spent the most dangerous part of the day on the beach (lunch). With a clear picture on my mind, how its going to hurt in the evening. I will probably cry from pain and I will curse myself for being that stupid, but I will definately NOT think about HIM at all. Im looking forward to that feeling. Empty head, only physical pain. Im probably a masochist. Pain is good. It makes your brain working clearly.

But now, while Im still trying to get sunburnt, I have to deal with my PAIN. The one inside my soul. HE is the reason. HE is going to leave. To leave me, to leave home, to leave the country. My brain fully accepts the rational reasons, but my heart screams NO! And HE is still trying to be so nice and kind. And sweet. And Im trying hard to be a beast. To be a monster. To be a real witch with capelli rossi. Probably, after few times, it worked yesterday. HE turned his back to me and walked away. I made him crazy, I made him mad. I made him furious. Successfully, HE left. And I turned my cellphone off and I am trying to hope that he will call anyway. I think HE will not. It was a lot. It was TOO MUCH. HE is done. HE lost his temper, his nice face, all of his manners. Im so good in making men crazy.

Now I will wait until the time comes. Quietly in my cave, where I curse myself and where I burn finally. I will avoid the moment of his departure, I will wait until HE is gone and then I will poison my soul with feeling so sorry for myself. And all because I DONT want him to leave me, when I finally started to BELIEVE again. I do not want to say the final GOODBYE.

My soul is already burning.

 

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